Meeting Porch · The Shanna Files · Story Three · Snot Nose Pig Patrol
Steelers Claus
On the first Sunday of football season, a mysterious figure left a gift at Shanna’s door: the Steelers bathing suit she could never find. The Patrol has identified the suspect. Her name is Jill, and she is the best friend.
Sunday, September 13, 2026, began the way the season demands. The morning dispatch from Fort Myers was three words and a weather system of exclamation points: Ready for STEELERS FOOTBALL!!!
Then, that afternoon, a second report landed — and it described a visitation. Steelers Claus showed up at my doorstep this morning!
The Patrol has investigated the Steelers Claus phenomenon and can now declassify the whole file. There was a gift. The gift was a Steelers bathing suit. And the gift solved a problem that had defeated Shanna for years, because per her own report she can never find a Steelers bathing suit. It is black and gold everywhere in her life except the swimwear department, where the trail had always gone cold — until one September morning, when it was simply standing at her door.
The identity of Steelers Claus
Shanna weighed two theories in her report. Theory one: Steelers Claus is real, operates out of the North Pole’s black-and-gold annex, and makes one stop a year, in Florida, in September, at the home of a woman who has been very good and very loud about football.
Theory two, also hers: Or maybe it was my bestie, Jill Gleason, with a very early birthday gift, knowing I can never find a Steelers bathing suit.
The Patrol has considered the evidence — the timing (her birthday is in November; September is very early, and she said so), the targeting (a gift aimed at the one exact thing she could never find), and the access (best friends know where the doorstep is). The Patrol rules for theory two, with honors. Either way, her conclusion is the official one, and the Patrol adopts it word for word: Either way, I love it!
From the field report
The early-birthday campaign of 2026 deserves its own paragraph. Jill’s gift landed in mid-September, a full two months ahead of the birthday itself. Another gift in the same campaign arrives in the next story in this file. The Patrol has reviewed the schedule and concluded that Shanna’s people do not observe a birthday. They observe a birthday season, and it opens whenever they feel like it.
Epilogue: the apology
Five weeks later, on October 18, the wire carried a victory dispatch: Whoop whoop Steelers!! And then, in the same breath: Sorry Dad, had to post.
The Patrol has opened a sub-file on the apology and will say only this: whatever team her dad was rooting for that day, the post went up anyway, the apology was included as a courtesy, and the post was still up when the Patrol checked. This is the correct order of operations. Family first — but the whoop whoop is non-negotiable.
The Patrol’s official verdict
Steelers Claus: confirmed, and identified as Jill Gleason, best friend, acting with intent and excellent intelligence. The bathing suit is entered into evidence as the Most Precisely Targeted Gift of the Season. Shanna is awarded the Golden Snout for Fandom, Fully Equipped — she now owns Steelers gear for land and sea, and the Patrol pities the AFC accordingly.
More in Shanna’s file
- The reverse gift (September 16, 2026): Three days after the doorstep delivery, the wire ran the other direction: Shanna wishing Jill a happy birthday of her own, with the standing Bureau complaint — we really need some new pics. The best-friend gift economy is balanced, sentimental, and photographed entirely with old pictures.
- Game-day dress code: The suit solved the pool. The couch, however, still required regulation attire — which is where the next story in this file comes in.
Story notes: Built from Shanna Kensinger’s Facebook posts — September 13, 2026 (both of them: the season opener and the doorstep delivery), October 18, 2026 (the whoop whoop and the apology), and September 16, 2026 (Jill’s birthday, from the other side). The suit, the shortage, and the early-birthday timing are as she reported them. The investigation, the scarves, and the awards are the Patrol’s invention, as usual.