Meeting Porch · The Shanna Files · Story Four · Snot Nose Pig Patrol

Shut Up, Collinsworth

A short file. The Fifth Pig received a shirt with three words of broadcast criticism on it, declared it the best shirt ever, and the Patrol’s Broadcast Monitoring Division concurred.

A standalone story built from Shanna’s own Facebook dispatches, September 2026 · About a 2-minute read

The early-birthday campaign of 2026 struck twice. Two weeks after Steelers Claus came to the doorstep (see the previous story), a second gift arrived, and on September 27 Shanna filed the review herself: Best shirt ever — very early birthday present.

The shirt bears a message, and the message is the whole story: SHUT UP COLLINSWORTH.

For the uninitiated: Collinsworth is a voice of Sunday night football, a man paid to explain the game while the game is happening. Every fan base has a commentator it cannot abide, and every living room in America has, at some point, said to the television what this shirt says in print. Shanna’s people simply had the genius to put it on cotton, two months before her birthday, and hand it to her.

The four Snot Nose Pigs in a living room in front of a televised football game, one pig showing off a plain white t-shirt, one holding a giant foam finger, one covering its ears, one speaking into a broadcast microphone — The Broadcast Monitoring Division at work. Blue models the famous shirt; the slogan has been withheld from the illustration out of respect for living rooms everywhere. Red is not muting the game. Red is muting the commentary. Rainbow has appointed himself the replacement broadcast team.

The Division’s findings

The Patrol’s Broadcast Monitoring Division — all four pigs, one couch, a bowl of pretzels — reviewed the shirt and the fandom behind it, and reports the following:

The devotion is documented. This is a woman whose own mother has photographed her praying for a Steelers win at an intensity that required a public caption about it (the Gram Files carry that file, and it is a good one). A fan who prays at that level has earned her commentary opinions the hard way.

The shirt is accurate. Not about the man, necessarily — the Patrol takes no position on the man. About the feeling. The feeling is universal, it is bipartisan, and it peaks somewhere in the third quarter.

The gift-givers remain at large and are believed to be the same early-birthday network responsible for the bathing suit. The Patrol is not pursuing them. The Patrol is hoping they adopt it.

The Patrol’s official verdict

Best shirt ever: confirmed, per the owner’s own review, which the Division adopts in full. The shirt is awarded the Golden Snout for Broadcast Criticism, Wearable. The television has been notified. It has not responded, which everyone agrees is an improvement.

More in Shanna’s file

The migratory fandom (July 2025): Her Steelers devotion travels. On an island in the Caribbean, she once photographed a beetle and reported it to the world as a Pittsburgh Steelers Bug — noting, for the record, that its green tint did not mean she was supporting Aaron Rodgers. The Patrol respects a fan who files entomology and a disclaimer in the same post.
Full disclosure: The Patrol’s own commentary team (Rainbow, one microphone) has been reviewed by the Fifth Pig’s household and found acceptable, mostly because he can be muted with snacks.

Story notes: Built from Shanna Kensinger’s Facebook post of September 27, 2026 (the shirt, and her verdict on it), with the praying-at-the-television evidence from her mother’s post of September 20, 2026, and the Steelers bug from July 5, 2025. The shirt and the review are as she reported them. The Division, the couch proceedings, and the awards are the Patrol’s invention, as usual.